Top 10 Tips for Talking Politics at Thanksgiving Dinner

Here is a handy guide to enjoying your Thanksgiving meal even when friends and family bring up politics and controversial subjects:

10. Global Warming — simply agree that it is totally a hoax. Don’t bore the table with the overwhelming scientific studies and research demonstrating that it is real. Simply, nod and agree that Glenn Beck and his mad squiggles on a blackboard disprove any scientific claim otherwise. Pass the potatoes.

9. Obamacare — don’t bring up sad and unhappy memories undoubtedly effecting an ill or passed relative in your extended family. Remember, the pre-Obamacare health care system is the greatest in the world regardless of how poorly someone close to you fared either from the financial toll or the lack of health insurance. Better to have Aunt Betty dead and broke than be a socialist. Pass the cranberries.

8. Benghazi — simply repeat ‘Benghazi’ in a louder voice than whoever brought it up and pound the table for effect. Once the ‘Benghazi’ chants die down, ask for the butter, please.

7. The Tea Party  — just don’t say a word. Just listen and enjoy the ensuing rhetorical flight of fancy as if Grandma had stuffed the turkey with peyote and her “special” mushroom recipe. Pass the stuffing!

6. Indians — don’t out yourself as a politically correct leftist by calling them ‘Native American’ . Pass the smallpox, er, bread, please.

5. Fox News — resist the urge to picture your roast turkey eating its own feces as an appropriate metaphor. Um, no thanks on the stuffing.

4. War on Christmas — yes indeed, Sarah Palin is right: Pope Francis sounds liberal and therefore waging a war on Christmas with his liberal views. Pass the moose, certainly not ‘mousse’ — what are we , French?!

3. War on Thanksgiving — it’s no coincidence that Hanukkah falls during Thanksgiving this year. More Manischewitz please.

2. Immigration — don’t draw parallels to the immigration experience of your own ancestors to the new immigrants. There is simply no parallel of the real prejudice our ancestors endured to the so-called “prejudice” new immigrants face. Pass the salsa, por favor.

1. Rand Paul — blockade the table and tell friends and family that you will not be part of some socialist collective eating and drinking together. To emphasize the power of individualism over the collective, rip the turkey platter from the table and proceed to ravaging the bird with shouts of “mine, mine” between devouring the carcass. Escort friends and family to the door and advise them to be responsible for themselves for Thanksgiving dinner versus relying upon the fruits of your hard work. Get your own turkey, I’m not passing a thing!

Happy Thanksgiving.

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