Top 10 Tips for Talking Politics at Thanksgiving Dinner 2014

As a follow up to the 2013 version of Top 10 Tips for Talking Politics at Thanksgiving Dinner, here is a handy guide to enjoying your Thanksgiving meal even when friends and family bring up politics and controversial subjects this year:

10. Global Warming — simply agree that it is totally a hoax. Don’t bore the table with the overwhelming scientific studies and research demonstrating that it is real. Simply nod and emphatically state , “We’re not scientists!” , thereby rendering any evidence based argument meaningless. So if Little Bobby asks why birds can fly, harshly scold him, “You are not a scientist and you have no possible way of ever knowing the answer!” before shooing the undoubtedly now crying little brat away. Pass the potatoes.

9. Obamacare — don’t bring up sad and unhappy memories undoubtedly effecting an ill or passed relative in your extended family. Remember, the pre-Obamacare health care system is the greatest in the world regardless of how poorly someone close to you fared either from the financial toll or the lack of health insurance. Better to have Aunt Betty dead and broke than be a socialist. Pass the cranberries.

8. Indians — don’t out yourself as a politically correct leftist by calling them ‘Native American’. We even named a football team after them. What else do they expect? Pass the smallpox, bread, please.

7. Fox News versus the Mainstream Media– don’t say a word. Just listen and enjoy the ensuing flights of fancy as if Grandma had stuffed the turkey with peyote and her “special mushroom” recipe. More Benghazi, er, stuffing please!

6. Emperor Obama  —  quickly dismiss any comparison to executive actions by other presidents or former president’s embrace of the unitary executive theory and even their policies endorsing extreme executive authority via-a-vis suspension of habeas corpus. Pass the sauceus cranberrius!

5. Immigration — don’t draw parallels to the immigration experience of your own ancestors to the new immigrants. There is simply no parallel of the real prejudice our ancestors endured to the so-called “prejudice” new immigrants face. Pass the salsa, por favor.

4. War on Christmas — yes indeed, Sarah Palin is right: Pope Francis sounds liberal and therefore waging a war on Christmas with his liberal views. Pass the moose, certainly not ‘mousse’ — what are we , French?! Quelle horreur!

3. War on Retail— it’s truly a shame how our family traditions can drive some stores to stay shuttered on Thanksgiving to give workers a day off. Don’t they realize we’re celebrating a holiday in a capitalist society not a socialist holiday? Why do you think the Europeans don’t have these most excellent Black Friday deals on Thursday? Plus who wants to listen to wistful memories from Grandma when there are deals on electronics to be had? Pass a Best Buy flier if you please.

2. Ferguson— of all the topics, this might be the most controversial. But it does not need to be. Just remind your dinner guests that race has nothing whatsoever to do with justice. Indeed, challenge your guests to think of a single case where race historically played a role in how justice is meted out. Of course, no such historical event exists so moments of awkward silence and nervous glances may ensue. To get things back in a festive mood, switch the topic to something less controversial — like marijuana reform. Pass the Doritos and switch on Yo Gabba Gabba. Problem solved.

1. President Rand Paul — blockade the table and tell friends and family that you will not be part of some socialist collective eating and drinking together. To emphasize the power of individualism over the collective, rip the turkey platter from the table and proceed to ravaging the bird with shouts of “mine, mine” between devouring the carcass. Escort friends and family to the door and advise them to be responsible for themselves for Thanksgiving dinner versus relying upon the fruits of your hard work. Get your own turkey, I’m not passing a thing!

Happy Thanksgiving.

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