Santa Sports New Look This Christmas
North Pole (December 12,2014) — For kids and parents lucky enough to spot St Nick before he shimmies up the chimney, they just might be surprised at what Santa is wearing this year.
Tired of being labeled ‘fat and jolly’, Santa delivered himself P90X, a home exercise regimen of DVDs featuring intensive workouts, last Christmas in the hope of shedding some excess pounds. During the year, Santa has decreased his BMI (body mass index, a measure of body fat ) from 78% to an impressive 11%, comparable to that of elite athletes. No longer rotund and trying to hide his girth with festive red suits with an unflattering black belt, Santa now sports red, skintight denim jeans, tight fitting T-shirts,festively adorned with green and white trim, with a slender, polished black leather Dolce & Gabbana belt. Gone too is the white flowing hair and beard; now Santa sports a slicked-back hair look, expertly coiffed, and a trimmed beard perfectly styled to draw more attention to his glinting pale blue eyes.
Not everyone is thrilled with Santa’s new look however. Many elves miss the jocular Santa, now increasingly concerned with Santa’s incessant focus on “getting ripped” and frequent trips to boutique clothing shops to update his century old wardrobe. Even the venerable Mrs. Claus reportedly has succumbed to the holiday infomercials with reports of Mrs. Claus purchasing racks of barbells as part of her embrace of the Body Beast exercise regimen. Mrs. Claus wardrobe similarly is seeing a shift from her traditional matronly wardrobe to an increasingly haute couture featuring D&G and Balmain.
“For as long as I’ve known Santa, ‘getting ripped’ meant a little extra schnapps with Santa’s cocoa, or ‘six-packs’ actually meant elven ale, which is quite strong , you know.”, opined an unnamed elf. “Now, ‘getting ripped’ means Santa’s lifting his shirt to flaunt his ripped abs, or as he calls them, ‘ho-ho-holy six-packs of steel’ . It’s too much really. It’s like he’s hit a mid-millenium crisis or something.He’s just not the same ‘ol Santa. ”
No representatives for Mr. and Mrs. Claus responded to our request for comment on this story.