Self-Hating Upstate City Looks to Attract Upscale Hotel

Amsterdam, NY (Sept 29, 2015) — With the former Best Western hotel, now abandoned and boarded, set for its third appearance at auction in two years, city leaders looked to attract a high end, upscale hotel in its place.

According to 6th Ward alderman, Cagney Tive Dissonance, “Well, we know no one wants to live in Amsterdam and certainly no one wants to visit here. But it is important that we find a buyer for the hotel so we build up our downtown. We know no one wants to go downtown so an upscale hotel is just what this city needs to assure that the people who will never visit here or ever visit downtown have a place to stay.”

Local resident Justa Somiserable agreed with Mr. Dissonance on the city’s need to attract investment such as a hotel by openly advocating all the downsides of this small city versus any of its upside qualities. “Well, let me be frank so excuse my French but this city is a merde-hole. Who would want to live here? That’s why we demand year after year that we spend more and more of the city’s money knocking down our old buildings. Now, some people have a fantasy that people would move here to live in lofts or walk on the bridge to nowhere or even walk around downtown. Or people would come here from out of town to visit. That’s just crazy. What’s not crazy would be a really nice hotel downtown. That would be terrific but I can’t understand why no one wants to build a hotel there. I think if we just advertised it better — run ads in the newspaper, we could get a really nice Hilton or something like that. It would be awesome to have a Hilton; it’s just what this merde-hole needs.”

Editor’s note: No amount of editing could preserve any sense of login in the reasoning above. We apologize for any confusion or similar cognitive impairments from reading this story.

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