Satan Impressed with City Hellscape
Amsterdam, NY (August 20, 2013) — Summoned by local practitioners of the dark arts at the labyrinth near Amsterdam’s City Hall Gardens, The Prince of Darkness spent a few hours in this small upstate community.
“I might be the all-powerful demonic ruler of Hell and the source of evil in the world but I just can’t resist a labyrinth and a few chants– it’s like a new Adam Sandler movie or a Dick Cheney book signing, I just have to make an appearance.” remarked a surprisingly chipper looking Satan on the heels of countless tragedies on a busy Monday afternoon. “Lots of bloodshed due to geopolitical unrest, tens of thousands of kids dead due to malnutrition and no medical care, and random senseless deaths due to gun violence makes Monday a pretty good day for me.”
Satan continued, “I have to say that I do feel right at home here — the despair, the helplessness, the blight, the deterioration and the soul sucking weariness of the locals — it’s all very familiar to me. I even learned a few things to bring back to make things, well, a bit more hellish. First, I thought taxes in Hell were high, but man, you folks really outdid me on this one. I only pay $4200 in taxes on my River of Fire view condo whereas here I’d pay close to $5600. Second, my streets are not nearly hellish enough compared to driving around here. Perpendicular lanes and two-way traffic — wonderfully diabolical!.”
Asked if he would return on subsequent summons, Satan turned enthusiastic on a return trip. “Well, I really enjoy this place — ‘enjoy’ in a demonic way of course — and it’s inspiring in its hellscape. My soulless chaperone seemed rather fond of driving and listening to your local AM radio. We could not help but be impressed at the vitriol against universal health coverage — my minions in Hell complain of their health coverage but comparatively, their plan now seems rather unhellish, I hate to say. We’ve always covered pre-existing conditions even in lean times. I may be the Prince of Darkness but I’m not a senior Walmart executive” , quipped the Ruler of the Underworld. Inspired by his new discovery, he continued. “We’re always playing Starships by Nicki Minaj, My Humps , We Built This City , Separate Ways to the countless tortured souls in my domain, but this talk radio, why that trumps them all! Now I know what the hapless souls sent my way experience on a daily basis. ”
His Darkness ended his tour back at the labyrinth and smoldering, vanished into the darkness.
Local officials offered no comment on efforts to purge the city of its lingering smell of sulphur.