Election 2014: City Residents Clamor for Sweeping Changes By Keeping Things The Same

November 5, 2014 (Amsterdam, NY) — A set of propositions seeking to clarify aspects of the city charter vis-a-vis powers of the executive versus legislative branches was soundly defeated at the polls last night.
Local resident, Noah Toall, expressed the sentiments of those opposed to the measures, “I think voters have spoken on how unhappy they are with the way things are going and we’re tired of it. Why do we need to change anything when things are broken and not working? We need to keep doing exactly what we’ve been doing until these things get fixed. That’s that voters want.”
All is not lost however for those championing the charter provisions. A number of the Charter Committee members who authored the propositions have launched a self-help startup venture based upon their experiences.
The acting CEO of the group, Y. Dion Evenbother, explained the new venture, “From this experience and a number of others, we see everyone wanting to make changes but fearful of actually committing to the change. So we’re launching a set of 3 products to tackle the three most common aspects of life people say they want to change but really don’t.”
“For weight loss, we have a program where you can lose weight by eating the same foods you eat now and doing the same amount of exercise. It’s surprising how well it doesn’t work at making you lose weight. That one is $19.95 in two easy payments.”
“For folks struggling to quit smoking because of the constant drumbeat of health risks and warnings, we had a simple revelation: you won’t need to quit if you aren’t reminded until one day you finally forget about how bad cigarettes are for you altogether.  With that key insight, we’ve developed a precut adhesive –customized by brand of cigarette– to cover all the health warnings on your cartons and packs. Voila’ , problem solved.  You can buy a pack of 20 adhesives for $3.99. Never worry about your smoking and health again.”
“Finally, we have our premiere product to help those of us who might overindulge in the spirits especially with the holidays approaching. It’s hard not to have a drink or two when you’re out socially, at a party, at a club, at dinner, at a holiday party, at your kid’s recital, and anywhere really. Now the problem is not a drink or two but when you have more than that. So we’ve come up with the “Longshot”, it’s like four shot glasses in one. Now, when your wife catches you in a tryst with the photocopier and the stapler at your office party and gets on you about your drinking, you can honestly say, ‘I only had one, dearest.’ We can’t protect you from the office equipment — or vice versa– but we can make sure you just stick to a shot or two. You can buy 4-packs of Longshots for a low, introductory price of $29.99″.
If you are interested in the products, you can reach us via the web at www.zerochange12010.com

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