Top 10 Tips for Talking Politics at Thanksgiving Dinner 2015
As a follow up to the 2014 version of Top 10 Tips for Talking Politics at Thanksgiving Dinner, here is a handy guide to enjoying your Thanksgiving meal even when friends and family bring up politics and controversial subjects this year:
10. Global Warming — simply agree that it is totally a hoax. Don’t bore the table with the overwhelming scientific studies and research demonstrating that it is real. Simply nod and emphatically state , “We’re not scientists!” , thereby rendering any evidence based argument meaningless. So if Little Bobby asks why birds can fly, harshly scold him, “You are not a scientist and you have no possible way of ever knowing the answer!” before shooing the undoubtedly now crying little brat away. Pass the potatoes.
9. Obamacare — don’t bring up sad and unhappy memories undoubtedly effecting an ill or passed relative in your extended family. Remember, the pre-Obamacare health care system is the greatest in the world regardless of how poorly someone close to you fared either from the financial toll or the lack of health insurance. Better to have Aunt Betty dead and broke than be a socialist. Pass the cranberries.
8. Indians — don’t out yourself as a politically correct leftist by calling them ‘Native American’. We even named a football team after them. What else do they expect? Pass the
smallpox, bread, please.
7. Fox News versus the Mainstream Media– don’t say a word. Just listen and enjoy the ensuing flights of fancy as if Grandma had stuffed the turkey with peyote and her “special mushroom” recipe. More Benghazi, er, stuffing please!
6. Syrian Refugees — don’t in any way hint or suggest the actions of the US in the Middle East contributed or exacerbated the situation in Syria giving rises to ISIL and the refugees. Instead, ignore the difficult moral and ethical and human dimensions presented by the situation in Syria. Agree with Aunt Betty that they are all worthless riffraff coming to ruin our way of life , nevermind that Aunt Betty’s first generation European immigrants were cast in the very same light. Pass the falafel!
5. Terrorism — don’t get into a protracted debate on the myriad of complexities inherent to the topic of terrorism. Just accept as right whoever voices the first argument that solves terrorism through more civilian guns, more war in the Middle East, more bombs (bonus for nuclear) and more rationalizations to reduce civil liberties, excluding the second amendment of course. Pass the habeus corpus, er, sauceus cranberrius!
4. War on Christmas — yes indeed, Sarah Palin is right: Pope Francis sounds liberal and therefore waging a war on Christmas with his liberal views. Pass the moose, certainly not ‘mousse’ — what are we , French?! Quelle horreur!
3. Guns— just admit that no problem exists that cannot be solved without guns. Terrorism? Check. Crime? Check. School shootings? Check. Ignore your hippy cousin who does not want to carry a gun wherever he goes. By not carrying a gun, he cedes any other right to live in civil society, namely, the pursuit of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. Pass the Glock.
2. Presidential Politics— of all the topics, this might be the most controversial. But it does not need to be. Here’s how to solve this difficult dinner dilemma: everyone gets exactly 1 minute to explain why George Pataki is still in the presidential race. Soon utterly stumped and tryptophan-laden guests will find a common ground in this mystery and ever so surely and slowly will turn their discussion to more tractable topics like : why did the Egyptians store grain in the pyramids? What is the true meaning of life? What is the origin of the universe? Pass the
herbs rosemary and sage please.
1. President Donald Trump — try not to give into envy and jealousy at the family dinner if your thoughts turn to Donald Trump. Is your turkey anywhere near as fantastic as Donald Trump’s? Certainly not. Did you follow Trump’s well-thought plan to build a wall around your table so your Hispanic friends and family can’t reach the cranberry sauce? And get them to pay for the cranberry sauce? Probably not. Are you the greatest host with a fabulous dinner? Doubtful. Admit it: you’re a terrible host. Pass the hubris!